Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A Poem, Part II

Another option is to remove the offending words, altogether.  Editing is good.  The resulting arrangement has a certain economic grace, I think:

An almost empty book
Hope and write the 
Pages turn
The text meanders
Like a
Glimpsed from a passing train

Now that I see the cropped version, I might be inclined to lose a word or two more and shunt some lines:

An almost empty book
And write the pages
Turn the text
Glimpsed from a passing
Train between


An almost empty book
Hope and write
The pages turn
The text meanders
Glimpsed from a passing train

Or return to the original poem and bring back the buzzed-out words, but change their order:

An almost empty train
Hope and promise write the book
Pages turn a brook
The text trees
Like a story
Glimpsed from passing 
Between themselves

Finally, freed from stricture and formulae, and after two cups of tea (but before breakfast):

An almost empty train
Like a turning promise
A brook the text between trees
Passing themselves
A story glimpsed


A book
An almost empty train
A brook glimpsed between trees

Yup, that's my favorite.

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